THE FACTORY.

I know I wore so many pairs of jeans panties this summer that some people think that’s the only clothing item I own but I was making up for the fact that I hadn’t worn shorts in years! Wait ! WHAT? You heard me. I hate my legs. I think they look like ham hocks and they remind me of the jello they serve in the hospital. I would rather them not be out. Let me not get started on my shoulders. I think the giants should draft me as a quarterback cause these things are broad as fuck. I could sit for hours and pick my body apart little by little because for years I’ve hated it. I always thought if I wasn’t against animal cruelty and actually went to seaworld they would mistake me for one of the acts and toss me in the pool to perform. I even hated my curls, I was team “creamy crack me please” until I went 2007 Britney and cut all this shit off cause I was depressed. I didn’t even remember I had a curl pattern or what it looked like. I remember looking at it in amazement like “wow, who knew my hair could do this if I took care of it?”. That shit was wild.

Body dysmorphia is a real thing. The way we see our bodies and others see our bodies may not always be the same. I’ve had many a conversation with girls like I wish I had your “insert feature here” because mine is “insert problem here”. Then that water weight I gain around the time I get my period, whew Chile. You woulda thought I was about to go on my 600 pound life the way I think those pounds matter. If I had a dollar for every time Ive said I feel fat I could be unemployed in peace. I recently went from a size 14/16 to a 4/6 and I still say I feel fat. In my head I look exactly the same. It wasn’t until I started taking pictures that I realized I had actually lost weight. I really had to start talking to myself differently because the dialogue I was having with myself wasn’t going to help me at all. It was only going to hurt. I had to go from “I wish my stomach was flatter or I wish my arms weren’t as broad, I wish my lips were bigger” to “my body is amazing just the way it is, I am beautiful inside and out, I have come a long way and I am proud”.

The truth is our bodies are amazing. I know mine is. I don’t even mean that in the way you say it when you see someone with a nice shape. I mean it in the way that my body has been put through a lot and it still holds me down. My body has been put through so much from self harm, eating disorders, and even being used by men who did not appreciate us at all. Yet and still it treats me like a queen. It holds me down and that’s amazing if I may say so myself. When we take care of ourselves, the universe seems to reflect that same energy onto us. When I began treating myself and my body better, I learned self love. So many things sprouted from that one little change. When you really love yourself you don’t let people blacken your soul and your aura. Everything I need I’m receiving even though,yes, some days are still harder than others. I will continue to take care of and love this body because it’s the only one I have.

I’ve done things I never imagined possible. I went outside no makeup, no weave just coco butter, lipgloss and some conditioner in my hair. Never in a million years would I have thought I would catch myself doing that. The bartender at the rooftop thought I was a lil cutie pie too, gave me some free drinks and his number on the receipt. Who’s that bitch? I’m that bitch! Then this weight loss hunny. It honestly gives me something to look forward to everyday and stability and that’s really why I enjoy working out and learning how to workout. When I first started I didn’t know a thing and I read up on different workouts and watched videos and now I can see my body transform and I can switch up my workouts according to what I want to see happen to my body. It’s amazing, it feels amazing. That’s not to say I still don’t have my days when I feel like oh my god I’m huge! If I miss two days at the gym I think I’m magically going to gain all of my weight back and I know that’s not how it works. That’s all apart of body dysmorphia though and if you think losing weight or changing something about your body is going to make that go away instantly, you are sadly mistaken .

It is a mental thing and it is hard and we do compare ourselves to others on social media making it even harder. So it’s just to let you know that you’re not alone and all we can do is be the best versions of ourselves. As much as I would love to have a certain body or certain features. This is the one I’m gonna work with and honestly it’s a pretty damn great one. So I’m gonna just have to make this same body right here do what it do and love it for better or for worse. Also, don’t ever let anybody treat you like chicken back when you’re a large oxtail, tell them die for me, I’m perfect.