THE FACTORY.

I remember when I had the sidekick lx. I thought that phone was amazing. I loved it so much and to this day I can still remember how happy I was when my parents got it for me. I remember saying “this is the best phone ever, I’m never gonna get another phone”. Anyways now I have an IPhone 11. I mean at one point and time y’all used to think eating ass was nasty. Now look at you eating cake like that lil boy from Matilda. My point is shit changes, whether we want it to or not and we gotta get with it because time waits for no man. I’m late to everything so trust me when I say it absolutely waits for no man. Not a damn one of us.

I never thought I could be without social media. Until one day I was over it. I deleted all this shit. Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, even Facebook && I don’t even use that. At first I was like okay well what now? Then I got over it pretty fast. I mean besides a few people, the majority of people that I needed to speak to on a day to day basis could contact me. I wasn’t really doing much to interest y’all anyways as a matter of fact, I was depressed. Not because I wasn’t on social media but because my life was changing and had changed so drastically that I felt like I was skydiving with no parachute.

Then to add insult to injury the guy I liked , loved? who knows? Walked away from me when I felt I needed him the absolute most. Now let me tell you I thought I got my heart broken before but baybeeeeee nahhhh. I thought I got my feelings hurt before but this time I got them shattered. I took my man back for the 799th time for him to LEAVE ME. I told him very early on if he plans on playing then leave me alone before too many feelings get involved, he said no. I told him once, twice, three times. Apparently that wasn’t enough because he waited until all of my feelings were involved to leave me alone. When he said that he was gonna leave me alone, I felt him rip my heart out with every single word. I’ve never felt heartbreak like that before it was physical. I was on the phone with him right before I had to get ready to go to class for a midterm. I don’t know if I showered in my tears or the water from the shower that day. I continued to cry for 4 days straight, sat in a standing up tub crying type of tears, ate them tears for breakfast, lunch and dinner tears. I cried until I literally didn’t have anymore tears.

Then came the anger. The anger of it all. The anger of every single thing. I was mad I lost my job. I was mad I lost my man. I was mad I lost my sanity. I was mad I lost myself. I was mad that this damn social media cleanse wasn’t fixing shit. I thought Iyanla Vanzant was going to pop out and fix my life because I deleted my instagram, my twitter and my Snapchat. It sounds ridiculous now that I say it because things do not work like that at all. Work must be done. I remember hearing the Jhene Aiko song “ none of your concern” and not just thinking but also praying to get to a point where I could relate to her words because it felt like I would never get there. When she said “ Not scared to be alone anymore, it don’t even hurt anymore” I DID NOT FEEL THAT but I wanted to, I wanted to more than I ever wanted anything else in life. I remember listening to that song until I could recite the lyrics as if I had written them myself I wanted to feel them so bad but that’s not how things work. Again, work must be done.

I didn’t talk to people for a few days, I managed to convince myself nobody loved me and nobody cares and I was in the darkest part of my depression thus far. I moved and I was so unhappy about it that I didn’t feel like telling people or even packing. Day in and day out I would watch my mom pack up my apartment and I wouldn’t do anything. I packed the day I moved. I also cried from my apartment to my house and I cried myself to sleep that night. Change sucks sometimes. It’s hard but it’s necessary and it’s needed. It’s happening regardless, so why am I going to continue to make myself unhappy when it’s done. I still cannot believe how much my life has changed sometimes and to say everyday is easy and every day I’m positive is a damn lie but I try.

I mean Ive even gotten up and gotten dressed for work. Yes, like the job I got fired from wrongfully. Some days I sit and I think about how I can’t believe that happened to me. Some days I am angry about it , some days I am sad and some days I’m indifferent. I’ve sat and thought about what I did to deserve that. I’ve sat and thought about what I did to deserve a lot. However, my mom has definitely told me that alot of times it’s not even about you and sometimes things need to happen to you to affect a bigger picture. At the time I did not wanna hear that shit but she’s right. I will say, that every single lesson I have learned this year has taught me that I am a tough fucking cookie. It has taught me that I can take a hell of a lot and still remain standing. It has also showed me that I needed to put myself first. I learned to be selfish with me. I had to take the love that I was giving to others and give it to myself. I have no clue where along the line it happened but I finally can say “I’m not scared to be alone anymore and baby it don’t even hurt anymore (as much as it used to at least)” and that makes me a force to be reckoned with.

That’s not to say that there isn’t so much more work to be done. I have some forgiving to do and some fixing to do. I know things happened for a reason to make it easier for me to fix the things that I’ve just kind of been ignoring instead of actually taking care of. It’s like I was putting a bandaid on a broken leg and it’s finally time to look after that. Even though it isn’t fair, it’s needed (that hurts to admit). I also have to forgive a whole bunch of people who aren’t sorry. Which is tough but I know it’s do able. Mainly, I have to forgive myself. That one. That’s the one right there that might take me out. I think I can do it though, I deserve that peace of mind.