THE FACTORY.
Yung Miami is pregnant y’all. She gave a fuck about a nigga and ruined her city girl summer. I feel my good sis even though I’m not pregnant (thank god for that because I wanna go to Dyckman with a rich ass scamming ass nigga) I did give a fuck about a nigga and that shit almost f*cked me up. My normal way of handling things was to replace one man with another that way I never felt the hurt for too long. I didn’t upgrade at all I just replaced one piece of trash with another piece of trash. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I was not Latavia nor Michelle, I am Beyoncé and I will be treated as such. I realized people will treat you how you allow. I had to take ACCOUNTABILITY for the things that I’ve allowed the men in my past to do to me and let me tell you that wasn’t an easy task. As a woman the phrase “n*iggas aint shit” slips out so easily that I never thought to sit down and think about what it was that I was doing. It was until not ONE but TWO different people had babies on me and I realized I’ve been in countless situation ships and no real relationships that I had to sit down and think what is it that I am doing wrong. I realized I was allowing people to treat me less than and that my dear, was not okay.
So what did I do about this? Nothing. I did nothing until last year when I started to feel like my heart couldn’t take it anymore. Then I stopped dating others and I started to date myself. I had to change the way I treated myself and set a standard so that when others entered my life they would know that they either had to get right or they were going to get left. That was another thing that had to be learnt. The art of letting go, no matter how hard it may seem when you really learn your true value, you learn that when someone isn’t treating you good that you must let them go. I also had to learn to be completely honest with myself and I learned to ask exactly what I wanted to know. If something hurts my feelings or I don’t want to do it then I will tell someone. At some point and time in my life I was okay with having casual sex but having casual sex is not on my list of things to do at this point in my life and I don’t care how much I like someone I am not hurting my own feelings to keep anybody in my life. There are definitely more fishes in the sea, let that electric eel go sis. That shit is shocking you every time you touch it baby girl. We have to also remember that we will be tested and when we say we want something there will be roadblocks thrown in your way to make sure that is what you really want. My roadblock showed up in the form of tall Nigerian man which if you know me you know it’s one of my favorite things on this planet.
The kid was just in the gym daily and working minding her business on the stair master working on getting the strongest legs in the game. I wasn’t talking to anyone and I was perfectly fine with that. I was shedding the pounds and I was meal prepping and I knew I wanted to start some kind of a business I just didn’t know what kind. I was racking my brain to figure out what kind. I had time to spend with my family and friends. Things were going good they were really looking up honestly. I knew this was going to be a hot girl summer for sure. I even managed to figure out what kind of a business I wanted to start. I started having the time of my life before summer even officially started, it was hella fun and I looked so good doing it, whewwwwwwwww. Then like an ain’t shit nigga with good dick coming to ruin my life he showed up out of nowhere. I wasn’t searching for anyone so when this man popped up I didn’t think anything of it and my guard was down. Things started out cool as they always do and I don’t know what kind of luck I have but shortly after starting to text we met up by accident. We happened to be in the same place at the same time. After that we spoke on the phone all the time and I even started to fall asleep on the phone which honestly was something I had never done before. Our conversation seemed to flow so smoothly and without effort but of course nothing lasts forever. Which can be good and bad because pain doesn’t last forever but neither does the happiness. In life we always have to learn to acclimate.
So I decided since I already started to like the boy and contrary to what my good sis Nicole thinks, I didn’t just like him because he has a penis so large I had to ask him if he always it on the side of his leg like that. I figured I might as well put the things I’ve been working on into practice. I told him straight up that I’m looking for a relationship and I hate complicated situations so any ex problems, baby mama problems, etc. that would affect our relationship he has to either leave them at the door or leave me at the door. He was okay with that and said that his life was drama free and would bring me no complications. We spent all day and all night on the phone and even after the first time we had sex (which can make or break the relationship) there was pretty smooth sailing. I was surprised, I am not used to honey moon phases. Usually things go from good to bad in a week tops so I was enjoying him. Then comes the good part. Remember when he told me his life wasn’t complicated and he wouldn’t bring me drama? Well yall the lie detector proved that WAS A LIE! Guess who was caught back with their ex? When asked about it he said “it’s complicated”. I wasn’t hasty I asked my questions and I told him that as much as I liked him I liked me more and I was done with him. He tried to beg and plead a case about why I shouldn’t stop talking to him and now that Im writing the story out and thinking about what he said. That negro had me fucked up. If he had anything he had the audacity. I cried my eyes out not even because of the boy but because I figured I took all this time and I tried to make myself better just for it to still not work. I swore off of men, I listened to jhene aiko triggered on repeat and I reveled in my sadness. I was sad for myself and I didn’t know what to do. In a matter of a day I saw everything I had worked so hard to build crumble before me.
It was as if he had cursed my life because once that brick was pulled out the whole house started to crumble. I got bronchitis which I haven’t had in a long ass time. Then I got into a huge argument with Michael (my dad) and it resulted in me blocking him and telling him that he needs to pray because his karma is coming back to haunt me and I haven’t spoken to him since. Then I wasn’t talking to my mom or sister and that also stemmed from the argument with Michael. So here I was sick, alone and sad and guess who calls me? No other than Nigerian Satan himself showing genuine concern for me and just like that he was back in my life again but things weren’t the same. I was big hurt and I was mad and I just couldn’t let it go so I brought it up all the time and our conversations we used to have no longer flowed. Y’all wanna know what he told me? He had the nerve to tell me He was gonna take his ex-back but decided against it so things aren’t complicated anymore. So basically you hurt my feelings for no reason orrrrrr she dubbed you and now I’m a second option. Either way I felt like crap for talking to him again but I had gotten so used to having someone around that I allowed him to treat me like shit just to have company. I kept going back and forth with this man. I would say I’m done and then start talking to him again. It wasn’t until I started to act really crazy that I was like no this needs to stop. In the end the calls stopped and the texts started to become few and far between. He would never answer his phone and I couldn’t do it anymore. He would decline the call and send me a pic of him driving and I would stare at the picture to see if someone was in the passenger seat. Crazy! I know!!
In the end he never even responded to me when I completely lost my shit that last time. I felt that shit in my heart but then I had an epiphany. I realized even with the time I took off from dating that still wasn’t enough. I still obviously had shit to work on. How do you allow someone to treat you like that and still take them back? I have to work on myself more. My best friend Jordan sent me sermons about being happy and single , my sister wrote me and told me that I need to reprioritize and put myself first and so many others gave me strength without even knowing and all of that happened on the same day. It was a sign to get back on my shit and even though I’m still working through my sadness I know that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I refocused on this business that I want so bad and all the things I was avoiding like getting myself out of debt and figuring school out I stared them in the face and I am continuing to work on bettering myself. I am disappointed that I wasn’t ready like I thought I was but I’m also proud of myself because I did some things I have never done before. I asked questions and I said exactly what I meant. I also tried to remove myself from the situation and even though it took a couple of tries I am done. I feel stronger and this has been a learning experience. I also had fun when times were good with my Nigerian Satan. Even though I’m still hurt by him and as a woman I’m trying to work through my “I hate men” mood I can say I know I will get through it and I know I have and will continue to become better and better. I can see it already. Maybe I needed that hurt to push me to be better. Whatever the reason is, I am grateful for all the things it has and will teach me. Remember ladies talking to men is mad ghetto so don’t do it. Just kidding. Kinda.